This is the landing strip for my new blog to once again be filled with honesty, maybe tears, definitely laughter but above all, the ultimate truth as my experience in this world. My old blog was all about weight loss, this one is about so much more because I have come to realize that my weight is just one tiny part of what makes me a person and as all encompasing as it felt before. I am indeed learning that I am actually free and that is liberating and fantastic in it's own right.
I live in FREE country. I have a GOOD job. I make decent money, I am strong and vibrant and beautiful no matter how I reach or don't reach my goals. I am me. I am unique in all the world and for the first time in a very very long time. I can look at myself in the mirror and smile and say...you know what. I am PROUD of you! You are AMAZING! I LOVE YOU! And you know what I really really mean it.
I am finding that so many more doors are LITERALLY opened up to me, not because I have lost 80 pounds, or look different, but because my attitude is one of love and acceptance of myself. I present myself to the world now in a manner that says...I am HERE, PAY ATTENTION....and they DO! :)
How am I different? I talk to strangers now. At the bank, at the store, waiting in line anywhere...because why shouldn't I? I am a person stuck there presumably doing the same thing they are doing, why not make the wait more pleasant with a little conversation. And people respond to me. Rarely are people too grumpy to agree that it is slicker than snot out there....or colder than than peas in my freezer, or that my lips are more raw than the turkey the year my mom forgot to defrost it before baking.... :)
And yes, sadly weightloss surgery for me, did result in divorce six months later, but not because of the weight loss surgery. It was because I finally stood up and said, I am a person and my experience in the world matters and I will no longer be treated with less love, respect and devotion than I deserve. And I was right to do it. It was SO HARD. I didn't hate my husband. I still care for him even now but I know with every fiber of my being that a MUCH better life is out there waiting for me and that I will never be able to be a whole and happy person while married to him because he just didn't like me very much. I was never good enough just the way I was. So now, I am only pleasing me and it feels great. Even with three kids as a single mom full time, I have to say I am happier than I have ever been. Yes I am stressed, they add to that they certainly do, but I get more of a break now on the weekends when my ex has the kids than I got in all of the 13 years we were married. It is amazing to me how much happier I am now. I miss him honestly when I need to reach something high, when I need something heavy moved, when I need something fixed or the kids locked us out of the only bathroom with a shower. I miss him when I had a bad day at work and want comfort. I miss him when I am sick and want to climb into bed at 7pm and can't because the kids wont go to bed early.
But in all honesty those are things anyone can do or give to me, a friend, a roommate, a sister, and as I am discovering I can also give that to myself.
When I need to reach something high, I get a chair, when I need to move something heavy, I get a cart, when I need something fixed I call maintenance, When I need comfort I take a hot bath or even eat some Ben and Jerry's (yes I know it slows down my weight loss...lol) When I need to go to bed early I let the kids watch TV in bed and take a leap of faith that they will fall asleep not too much later than their normal bedtime. So all in all I am sorting things out, relying on myself and realizing that I am so much stronger and capable than he would have ever wanted me to beleive. I can dream again, nothing is off limits and my heart can fly. I am growing wings...and I promise it has NOTHING to do with my new found friend...the energy drink. :)
